Shortly after 2006 concluded, I would freely discuss the not only life altering events, but defining of 2006. As five years come to a close my silence has become my solace. Now however I come clean.
June 2006- Gilad Shalit an Israeli soldier is abducted on the Gaza border. This is not the first soldier I have heard of being kidnapped, but he is young, only 19, and I begin to pray for a safe and speedy return. Hamas is responsible.
July 2006- Lebanon- Hezbollah and Israel war breaks out. Two more soldiers are kidnapped and taken into Lebanon. Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev are their names. They are not as young, but they have families and again I pray for their safe and speedy release.
September 2006- A close family friend passes away. She is in her 20′s and this is unexpected. Naturally, I am angry and begin to fight with G-d. I began to reject my beliefs and Him. After a few weeks a friend helps me and my anger turns into resolve, I’m not pleased with the situation, but I am handling it better and less angry. I am even coping better, but relief is to be short lived.
October 2006- My great aunt is found with gun shot wounds to her neck. The police closed the case as a suicide, but there is no note and this doesn’t actually set well. My cousins hopefully have peace with this decision and truly that is all that matters, but this begins my anger all over again. Add to it, that I do not know many people who committed suicide or been murdered and I start to feel like an outcast, dirty even. Again, the same friend helps me cope and my anger reduces and I allow myself some peace with G-d.
December 13, 2006- My best friend, Heather’s, 21st birthday. Despite my not feeling well (strep throat) she talks me into going to her celebration.
December 14, 2006- Heather is dead. My life becomes pre Heather’s death and post Heather’s death. My world is shattered and stops. The darkest period of my life consumes me.
December 21, 2006- Finally returning to work and trying to have some sort of normalcy, I go about my day until my dad calls me and tells me to go home. Who is it now is my question as I walk in the door. My maternal grandmother has unexpectedly died. I remember few things, canceling my dive trips so I can assist my mother in N.C. and helping with phone calls.
To this day I don’t remember much of the conclusion of December 2006, but I do remember packing to move to Israel and my mother has told me, I was just in shock. My movement was limited. I was quiet. It was months of living in a blistering hot desert before I ever saw that the sun was out. Tequila tasted like water and school, well that was an epic fail.
2006 concluded but it was July 2008 before anything else notable happened. A prisoner exchange between Hezbollah and Israel was to take place. While we, the Jewish people hoped, that Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev would be released with little to no harm done, their bodies were returned to Israel. This was not shocking, but nonetheless it was tragic. These men left behind families. Something told me they were not alive when the exchange was first announced, but still I hoped.
At this time Gilad still had not received a visit from the Red Cross, and there was extremely little correspondence. The last time anyone would hear from Gilad was summer 2008, a letter would be delivered to him in summer 2009, but that meant little. It did not confirm that he was alive or well for that matter.
During this time I cannot pinpoint any specific struggles of my own, all I know is to this day Heather’s death has left my heart shattered. My smile today has become more real, however December I still dread. The 13th and 14th of December, I still want to hide, sort of. See the thing is, I’ve met someone. She is a wonderful person. Honest, hardworking, loving and beautiful on the inside and out, I just knew she was someone I would want to continue my friendship with. After the epiphany of wanting to keep S in my life, I was shocked to learn her birthday is also December 13th. It was just last week that I told S she shares Heather’s birthday. I kept it from her at first, because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and I was afraid the knowledge might be awkward. I’m not sure what made me confess this to S, though a few hours later a question popped into my mind. Was S in my life, so easy for me to desire her as a long time friend, so that I would no longer dread December 13th? Am I truly meant to have a reason to love December 13th again? Heather herself answered me. No sooner than I finished both questions I felt Heather next to me and the song on the radio was no other than The Dance, Heather’s funeral song. My Heather told me yes.
Wow my tears are salty. Luckily, I am blessed to have a very concerned puppy who will emerge to care for me and stay close until my tears dry. Then again he will also try to clean my face for me. LOL Silly dog.
I had a dream the other day and Heather was my guardian angel in it. She saved both me and D, still I witnessed what she sort of went through her last minutes on earth. Waking up I was shocked and devastated. Both symptoms from the dream have worn off and I have finally understood, it is time for me to move on. I have been stuck at 2006 for too long and I have known this, but applying knowledge isn’t always the easiest.
A week ago when the exchange for Gilad was announced, I thought it was too good to be true, but I checked updates on the situation every chance I got and as we got closer to the exchange, I realized it was happening. As Monday night, EST, wore on and it got closer to when the exchange was to begin to occur I realized I needed Gilad to be alive. The entire time I have mourned Heather’s death, I have prayed for Gilad’s life. For Gilad to be alive makes no sense. Hamas are terrorists. Gilad was never seen by the Red Cross, nor was he heard from since 2008. Israel would still release the 1,027 murderers from Israeli prisons in exchange for the body to bury. I knew all of this and my head said, “Brace yourself Rebecca, he could be dead. They might not release Gilad. They ARE terrorists.” Yet each piece of my heart said Gilad is alive. Gilad IS coming home. HE IS ALIVE. My heart knew.
Gilad had to be alive, so I could continue to love. I was prepared to blacken my heart towards people and forget my humanity if he was not. It seems silly, but I’ve only recently been able to feel Heather and I wonder if she is one of his guardian angels, because my darkest days, Gilad was the light I hoped for. I do not need to meet him, to tell you that I love him. Gilad fills my heart and his safe return today, has helped seal some of those pieces of my heart back together. Gilad is my living angel. Gilad is my miracle. Heather was not meant to survive her accident no matter how much I wanted her too, but Gilad was meant to survive a different set of darker days.
Gilad and I still have dark days ahead of us. We both will have to move forward, but from different things. My dark days are more of a struggle on how to proceed, how to carry on and what to make my life. Gilad’s dark days may involve nightmares, confusion and internal conflict greater than any of us will ever know. So I have, perhaps selfishly, prayed for Gilad to be alive, but now I pray for his days to have light. For him to enjoy the warm Israeli sun. I pray for Gilad’s breathing to become easier, and his burden to be shared with as many as possible so it is light for him.
My prayer now is this: Heather share his burden. I will miss you dearly and hope to still feel you next to me, but I will start remembering you. I will begin to forgive myself for pretending you did not exist. I will forgive you for the turn you made too soon. I promise. Just help Gilad.
Gilad, welcome home. We have held our breathe waiting for you return and we have missed you beyond all reason. Welcome home, we are so happy to have you back.
You see we are all connected, it’s just a matter of how.
I do not want to leave out the people who lost family or friends to the terrorists who have been or will be released from our prisons, this cost is high. Your suffering is great, but you too are not alone. You see, everywhere I stand, I stand with Israel. And I know I am not the only one. Your suffering, your pain, is my suffering and my pain. I will not pretend to understand, but you are not alone.
With all my love, all my peace and still no chicken grease.
AM YISRAEL CHAI
