Let me preface this by saying this is not an update, but a correction of sorts. I have spent sometime weighing these thoughts and feelings before acting on them, which is not something I readily do. This must be growing up.
A short time back I wrote this in a previous blog:
“During this time I cannot pinpoint any specific struggles of my own, all I know is to this day Heather’s death has left my heart shattered. My smile today has become more real, however December I still dread. The 13th and 14th of December, I still want to hide, sort of. See the thing is, I’ve met someone. She is a wonderful person. Honest, hardworking, loving and beautiful on the inside and out, I just knew she was someone I would want to continue my friendship with. After the epiphany of wanting to keep S in my life, I was shocked to learn her birthday is also December 13th. It was just last week that I told S she shares Heather’s birthday. I kept it from her at first, because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and I was afraid the knowledge might be awkward. I’m not sure what made me confess this to S, though a few hours later a question popped into my mind. Was S in my life, so easy for me to desire her as a long time friend, so that I would no longer dread December 13th? Am I truly meant to have a reason to love December 13th again? Heather herself answered me. No sooner than I finished both questions I felt Heather next to me and the song on the radio was no other than The Dance, Heather’s funeral song. My Heather told me yes.”
There are some points from this blog that need to be addressed. First and foremost, I still believe that Gilad Shalit’s return to Israel was NOTHING SHORT OF A GOD GIVEN MIRACLE. The pain and sadness I felt for Shalit was real and the relief I feel with him being home is a blessing. I thank God wholeheartedly for this blessing, aware of the price that we will be continuing to pay.
Second: I love and miss Heather everyday of my life. I never can honor her enough. She is my best friend, my sister and a huge part of my world. There is no replacing Heather and though I still to this day pull over on I-4 sometimes hyperventilating because she will not be at our homes, this year I will look forward to her birthday. I WILL CELEBRATE HEATHER. Her birthday should have never been a day of mourning, that was wrong for me. I will celebrate her . This year on the 13th of December, I may cry and I may be sad, but I will also follow in my mom’s footsteps and I will eat a piece of cake on that day.
Third: In relation to the paragraph quoted, I fully believed Stacy was meant to be in my life for a long time. I fully believed she was meant to teach me the joy in December 13th again, and in some ways she has. I trusted, confided in and believed that Stacy was my friend. While doing those three things, I came made a mistake and have learned a valuable lesson. Most of my friends that I have met through work, we became close after the employment was terminated or thought to be. I am still “employed” with two of my good friends, whom I love dearly, and with recent events being what they were, I know that it is rare to truly be employed with a friend.
I don’t need to get into all the sticky details, that is not the point here. Suffice it to say that shortly after writing the blogpost quoted above Stacy began proving how she was concerned first and foremost with herself. The lesson I learned is that when people are trying to make ends meet, they will sometimes do less desirable things to save themselves. I made some choices that were less than satisfactory at my most recent business establishment, but they were ultimately errors in judgement that have now cost me my job and my home. Some of these errors in judgement were passed on to the corporate office with the assistance of my coworker while another was a pissed off resident. Regardless, the end result was my lay off and being told I had 10 days to move starting November 21st, 2011. Luckily I was offered a place to live within minutes of the lay off and able to begin packing immediately, I am now job hunting.
I’ve been blessed with friends helping me move and pick up pieces so quickly that I only really got upset one time with this whole ordeal. One door or two, depending on how you count doors, may have closed but I know that when one closes, at least one more opens.
Though I currently feel betrayed and hurt by these events, I feel like I am starring at a blessing in disguise. All I have to do is finish pulling the curtain back. I don’t think much of Stacy now, I feel most positive light regarding her was false. I’m not so sad about this, as I feel that her purpose was served. I felt Stacy was in my life so I could look forward to 12/13 every year and while Stacy will no longer be considered a friend in any fashion, I still have found a reason to look forward to December 13th.
Love, peace and hold the chicken grease!
