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{May 1, 2013}   I still miss my Heather…

I’ll never forget that day, there is just no way. It was December 14, 2006, the day after my best friend’s birthday. I was out in Brandon with my (now ex) boyfriend, meeting my dad, for dinner. The restaurant was a favorite of mine and Heather’s. As my boyfriend and I got to the restaurant my cell phone rang. I was told my best friend Heather, had been in an accident on her way to work. Since the restaurant was close to where she worked and she was supposed to be there within the half hour, I called her to let her know I’d delay dinner and take her the rest of the way if she needed. Heather didn’t answer my call. Or the next call. Or the one after that. I was starting to get annoyed, by this point we had arrived at the restaurant and were waiting for our table with my dad. She still hadn’t called me back. It wasn’t long before my annoyance wore off and my panic set in. Something wasn’t right, this wasn’t like Heather to ignore repeated calls from me. Maybe one or two if she was busy, but not this. So I ran outside and called her again. No answer. I gave up. Dinner was not happening tonight. Standing in the middle of the outdoor patio, crying my eyes out because I just knew this wasn’t good. 

Running in, I apologized to my dad and said we had to go and while giving him a brief explanation, we were out the door. As we quickly ran back to my truck, I told my boyfriend to drive. I couldn’t see through my tears, had calls to make and on the whole he always had better composure under stress than I did. I tried Heather again with no luck. Then I called her mother… When her mom answered the gist was Heather had been in an accident, I needed to come home and we would go to the hospital together. I told Mary I had O positive blood and Heather could have anything form me she needed. Though as I hung up I thought it was odd that we’d go to the hospital together, from our houses when I was over half an hour away, I pushed the negativity away thinking that Heather must not be in too bad of shape then. I silenced the thought of why didn’t she answer the phone like one silences an assassination, but denial only works so long. 

The next time the phone rang, I answered it. It was my mom calling and she was trying to find out if we were on our way home. I’ll never forget the screaming in the background. Never in my life have I heard my sister screaming from so much raw, emotional pain. It doesn’t haunt me in particular, but it tears at me that she had to suffer this. It was her screams, that forced me to see through everything. It was her screams that forced unwanted truth to shred me apart from the inside first. It was her screams that made me realize, my best friend and sister, were not at the hospital, but in fact dead. I hung up on my mom I think. I threw the phone and began screaming. 

My chest was too heavy, I couldn’t breathe, the walls of the truck were closing in on me, so I did the only logical thing I could do. I jumped out of the truck while we were driving through an intersection into what I hoped was on coming traffic. To this day I don’t know how he knew, but my boyfriend got us pulled into a gas station just as I hit the ground. People in the store ran out, I vaguely remember and think they probably thought he was hurting me. Poor guy was trying to keep me alive as I was trying to stop the worst agony I’ve ever lived through. 

It’s been 2,330 days since Heather died. I won’t say time heals all wounds, because that is bull shit. I’ve learned to live with the pain, I’ve acquired the desire to live again myself and I’ve learned the harshest thing about the world is that it stops spinning for no one. The first year was the hardest. Living in another country, I drank so much that hard liquor tasted like water. I slept through the days and partied every night. I over ate. I did drugs I never thought I’d even try. And I planned to commit suicide. 

I failed to understand, that if I was going to kill myself I had to do it right then, I couldn’t plan the perfect time. I didn’t want to do it in Israel where I was living, I wanted to wait until I was in America. I was leaving Israel in early December 2007, I was MOH at a wedding in the end of the year and I joined the 22nd birthday dinner of Heather. After that, I was going to drive to North Florida and I was going to OD on every thing I could get my hands on. Simple and effective. None of my family had to find my body. Sure someone would have to identify me, but at least my sister, brother or mother wasn’t going to actually find me dead. And my friends would cope. No “friend” could possibly feel for me the way I felt for Heather. 

Then I made a mistake. I moved to Orlando, I began playing rugby, I began working on campus, I began making friends. I kept procrastinating my suicide. I wanted to see what a semester at the university was like, I wanted to learn about rugby. As the years went by I continued to party. I drank and smoked pot for days on end, though I have huge issues with cigarette smoke and getting ill, I was a smoker (cloves were my favorite) and I made a lot of really poor choices and landed myself in a lot of bad situations. From accumulating debt, to being put on probation at school, to being too inebriated to defend myself in bad situations, “dating” scum bags, sabotaging my friendships, and really the list goes on, I’ve still got a lot of clean up work that I am doing. This is part of it. 

Through all this, there has been friends, who have stayed by my side and others who have joined my side despite these decisions. So let’s start here with somethings I owe to people, who have never for once even asked me.

Matt C.- Thank you for your quick thinking. You saved my life that night. It’s taken me this long to be grateful for it. I’m so sorry for how I treated you when we broke up. I had every intention of making things easy, but I failed. I was mean, cold and a heartless bitch. I should have spoken kinder and been gentler. I was wrong to e-mail you a break up when we were so emotionally involved. You taught me what love was and what a man could be. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for this and wish you well. I’ve never been in love with you, but I have always loved you. You were a very good friend and I’m grateful for our time together.

Heather- If it’s possible that you are watching me or somehow know of all of this, please forgive me for using your death as an excuse to destroy myself. I love you so much and I miss you everyday. I know that while I feel guilty over some of my new found feelings, I know in my heart they would make you smile, because you would have never wanted me to be so miserable. I wouldn’t trade anything and everything in to have one more day with you, not anymore. It took me a while to become okay with this, but I’m getting there now. 

To anyone who wants to kill them self and wonders why they haven’t done it already, pay close attention to the last part of this. I don’t know what made me hold on in the first place, but I understand now. There was a time, like I mentioned above, that I would have given up anything and everything to be with Heather again, that time has passed and so has the guilt of that feeling.

Yonkel- My adorable, sweet dog. You are the first reason I began to hang on. If I were to die, whose feet would you warm at night? Would you be sad? Would your new owner let you kiss their face? Would your new owner think that even your loud bark was a beautiful sound? I couldn’t risk you having a new owner who loved you less than me, even if there is a chance that someone could love you more.

To my friends new and old:

Ariel, Stephanie, Jennifer, Drew, Jennifer, Mush, Marci, Adam, Derina, Jennifer, Brooke, Stephen, Michael, Catu, Lexster, Nikki, Rebecca, Ryan, Carolina, Liat, Ilan, Josh, Shira and Alex- Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for teaching me to play rugby, for being a study buddy in college, giving me a job, skyping with me at all hours of the night and day, providing me with boxes to move, helping me move, holding my hand as I cry, laughing with me or sometimes even at me. Thank you for letting me confess my worries, insecurities, secrets and pains with you. Thank you for including me in your joy, especially during times where the only joy I had was being with you. Thank you for letting me have my opinion, even when it clashes with yours. Thank you for loving me, texting or calling me to say hello. Thank you for worrying about my whereabouts late at night, when I’m not home when I say I will be. Thank you for telling me I’m not going crazy, even when I knew certainly I was. Thank you for rides to and from work or the auto shop or wherever really. Thank you again for loving me. Thank each and everyone of you for making my life worth living. Thank you all for being the reason I could hold on during a dark time and being more reason to hang on during other dark times. If Heather were here today, she would thank you too. You all probably would have liked her a lot and I know the love you have shown me time and time again, she would appreciate too. 

I miss Heather, really I do. It still hurts I miss her so much, but one thing is certain. I could never be happy trading in my experiences with all of you, for another day with her. No one will ever replace Heather, but I’ve learned the value of living once again, thanks you all of you.

Love always, 

~Glo

 



{November 14, 2012}   Retiring Blog

 

This blog is officially retired as of tonight.

For the past several years I have been known to a few as Liz or Lizze, this simply is not my name. My name is Becki or Glo, hell you can even call me Rebecca, but the fact remains that this will no longer be my primary blog.

 

My new blog address: http://getfitwithglo.wordpress.com/

Like me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/GLO85

Follow Me: @TeamGloFitness



{September 15, 2012}   Being Fat Isn’t Easy

I’ve wanted to address some things I’ve been hearing for a while now, that quite frankly I’m tired of hearing.

First, I’d like to address the trainers, coaches and people I see talking shit (it’s what you are doing) about “fat” people. I’ve had to disconnect from people on social media recently because it’s so frustrating to see. You don’t know if that 350 pound woman you just snapped a picture of, to make an example of what is unhealthy, has been working towards weight loss. You have no idea if she recently dropped 50 pounds or 100 or if she just gained it in the past two years. Yet here you are uploading her picture online and making an example of her. What if someone she knows or even she sees it? How does that make that person feel? Why should I follow you or your advice when I don’t know whether or not I’m just another person for you to talk about?

Second, fellow trainers, coaches, nutritionist, dietitians, doctors whatever. Listen to the excuse being given if you really want to help. People make excuses sometimes to delay, but quite frankly you have no idea what is going on in a person’s head or heart. If someone is reaching out to you, then you better be reaching back to them. Can’t work with them? Enlist help. Ask for someone else’s advice or have them take over the endeavor entirely. You may not fit with that person. Some people will have an easy life changing journey, but others will really have to fight for it. We aren’t all built the same way. A book that inspires you may only bore me. That doesn’t make me wrong. I’m just different. Embrace it, or don’t, but good luck working with just one type of client.

Both of these come from two points very near to my heart right now. You see, I am struggling, big time. My nutrition is awful, it’s a yoyo nutrition. My fitness level is pretty good. I don’t work out as much as I would like but the eating is VERY hard for me. I’ve never really given it much thought before, but I am figuring out that I am a huge comfort eater. I thought I might be, it seems to be a trend, especially for those of us who really just want to keep people away from us. I think fat is the only “body armor” that kills.

Do you know what it is like to be fat? I do. It’s not even comfortable to sit. Sometimes you think that you automatically look like trash because you look so big. You sweat in between your rolls, gross I know, but so true. You aren’t comfortable in anything you own and don’t feel like getting dressed up. You don’t want to be around people and you are embarrassed when you are hungry. You don’t want to be touched, you don’t feel like you deserve love. What is worse is when you are trying to lose the weight, but it isn’t coming off and you know why, but it’s hard to fix. Your cravings are strong or you hate the gym. It’s a scary place to be and those two issues above, they make it worse. Knowing that people like to take pictures of us fatties and use us as an example to sale their product makes me want to stay home. Actually, this entry can serve as a F U to people who think it is okay to devalue someone just because they don’t anything about them. And the second point is, no I’m not just making excuses I am genuinely struggling with this horribly. And being told that my struggle is not a struggle, but an excuse, laziness or a lack of desire and conviction really has me discouraged and down in the dumps.

Let’s end on a positive note. I’m liking positive lately. Ask my friends, if they feel upset or down, they have to give me the big five!

1. I’m grateful for my dog. No matter how big I am or how sad I am, he is by my side.

2. I am grateful for my boyfriend, who struggles to deal with my madness and sticks by my side.

3. I am truly grateful for the friends who are coming out of the wood work to help me and support me.

4. I am grateful for my family, who just loves me. Who I am enough for, even if I am not enough for me.

5. I am grateful for the roof over my head and the chance to embark on bigger dreams. Truly, J’s support is why I can do what I am doing.

And just an extra one big one, I am extremely grateful for this practice. I don’t know how or what made me start doing it in the first place, but my heart is a little lighter after I shed some tears and acknowledged how sweet life is… even with the struggle.

Being fat just really isn’t easy, but a journey to thin after 27 years, isn’t so easy either.

Love, peace and always hold the chicken grease,

Becki Glo



{August 25, 2012}   Silks class hanging out

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Yesterday I focused my energies on two different goals, one push goal and one smart goal. A push goal, is a goal from the list of 10 goals, that is a difficult, yet very rewarding goal to achieve. It is also a goal that once achieved will create a trickle down effect making other goals on the list easier to complete. So after reading through my goals I determined that the goal of making $2,000 a week would be the hardest to complete, however it would allow me to complete 5 more of my goals. Then it would also free my time up to help me train for my last 4 goals.

So here is my statement:

I make $2,000 a week and that has allowed me to furnish my entire house, pay off all my debt, purchase my own sports car without payments, vacation in Aruba with Yonkel and enhance my breasts! With all of that taken care of, I now train fully for my pole fitness competitions, am an X-Pole girl, have a 10 percent body fat and I travel regularly for fun training and camps for Beachbody and Pole fitness.

While the statement was not a required part of the exercise, I wanted to share with you the break down of how achieving one goal will help me achieve the other goals.

A SMART goal is a goal that can be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time. You start with the smallest, measurable, achievable, rewarding and time sensitive goal on the list. Like that acronym? Me too, I knew Queen Chalene held something completely clever up her sleeve. Anyways, none of my goals seemed “small” so I needed to break one up. My idea came directly from Chalene Johnson’s book “Push” she talks of a woman losing 12 percent body fat in 1 month.

From this I realized I was down to my last losing of 14 percent body fat and I want to lose it by November 15, 2012. So I broke this goal up into a chart. Side note: I’m going to keep listing my goals as I have already achieved them, to firm up my resolution.

September 1st, 2012- I am down to 21.5% body fat.

September 15th, 2012- I am down to 19.4% body fat.

October 1, 2012- I am down to 17% body fat.

October 15, 2012- I am down to 14.5% body fat.

November 1, 2012- I am down to 12% body fat.

November 15, 2012- I am down to 10% body fat.

I’m definitely excited about this. I’m also pretty excited that I can post this journey and share it with others.

 

There is so much goodness the universe is offering me. It is flowing my way and I am beyond cloud 9. Today I received my new logo, that I will begin building with. Though I never asked the person to create it for me, she did. I asked her in my head of course, I even practically begged for it just to be amazing. My designers block was in place and I’m not much for developing logos and catch phrases. She did so wonderfully. I can’t wait to reveal it, once I own exclusive rights to it. Yay!!! Awesomeness is EXPLODING around me!!

 

Love, peace, hold the chicken grease!  



{August 15, 2012}   Don’t Stop Believing

So yesterday was Chapter 2 of Push, by Chalene Johnson. She drives home the fact that if you don’t aspire towards greatness, then you will not achieve greatness. Additionally, she says “Somewhere along the way, people lose belief in themselves. They forget that they too deserve the possibility of a perfectly designed life.” I love that she says this, I’ve been living this my whole life, and I know others who are living it now. It makes me so sad to know someone feels that they have no hope or faith left, that they are truly unable to better their lives.

In this chapter Chalene has us define goals… Goals that would be crazy cool to reach in the next 12 months. She explains what a goal should be and the best way to state it, which is as if it has already happened. So here are my 10 goals.

1. I am debt free and have more than enough money in savings to pay off my student loans when they hit.

2. I make $2,000 a week.

3. I have a six-pack of abs and 10% body fat.

4. I am an X-Pole girl.

5. I compete in pole fitness competitions and I place in every competition.

6. I have full D size boobs.

7. I travel regularly and internationally for work with Beachbody and Pole Fitness.

8. I am vacationing in Aruba on a yoga retreat with Yonkel in the winter months.

9. My house is fully furnished.

10. I own my own sports car that I purchased out right.

 

So clearly I am picking furniture and a car for my vision boards this week!! I’ve almost completed the furniture picking! today I’m going to do chapters 3 and 4 because they total 10 pages together. So tomorrow I’ll head out of making goals and into reverse engineering them. No idea what that means, however I look forward to the book.

I have decided that this book has so much potential to be life changing that I will get it for each of my coaches as they sign up and become a part of my team. It’s that awesome!!



{August 14, 2012}   Officially Offical

Earlier this summer I declared I would be leaving leasing, this thought is no longer a thought, but a reality. Friday, August 17th, 2012 is my last day in leasing… FOREVER!!!!!! I’m clearly excited about this. This weekend, probably late Friday night I am going to begin cleaning out my closet. Don’t worry, I’ll take a before picture. 😀

This past weekend I took a Silks class. It was truly amazing and I am very excited about it.

I started reading Chalene Johnson’s “Push” yesterday and each chapter seems to include an assignment. I’ve decided that if the assignment isn’t too personal, I’ll be posting them here. So here is the chapter 1 assignment: Priorities, Defining What Matters Most.

My three top priorities are, in order, my career, my family and my impact on the world. The reason I place my greatest importance as career, is because I am very driven person. If I don’t have a goal I am working towards then I feel lost and incomplete. Goals and deadlines make me happy.

I will honor my number one priority by doing my best to attend every training offered to me. I have established 3 mentors in my career life to guide me into the fitness world that I love.

The following actions would be inconsistent with my commitment to my top priority: starting a family, taking a job which offers me no benefit to my selected career path just for money and letting my health go.

To honor my number one priority, I will limit the following: eating and drinking junk, self doubt and fear.

To honor my number on priority, I need to make the following changes: improve my fitness, my diet, commit to increasing my range of motion and flexibility.

My top priority clarity statement: My number one priority is my career; to be an active performer and champion in aerial arts and pole fitness. To demonstrate that it is never too late to form, plan and execute a dream. To do this I will train regularly and apply discipline in my in my eating and fitness habits. I will actively share my knowledge and passion with my family, friends and other people. I will no longer self doubt or self hate and in doing so I will attract more love and support for the rest of my life. I will demonstrate that my career makes me happy, keeps me healthy and supports me amply.

 

So that is chapter one! I’m glad Chalene broke down that lesson, because I would be lying if I said that was an easy one. I’m glad I decided to buy this book, it has so far been a great guide to setting goals.

Love, peace and hold the chicken grease!

~Glo

 

 



{August 14, 2012}   1st Silks Class

1st Silks Class



November 2011 hit. I was working in leasing, which I admit, I detest leasing. I don’t like sitting at any desk. I knew at 5 that I didn’t want to be a business woman, yet my WHOLE professional life has been behind a desk, faking a smile, trying to help people with something I wasn’t too happy to be helping with. My numbers suffered, I have a 50 percent closing ratio. I’m not a pushy sales person. You either want to or you don’t. And who is to say you won’t later on? My employers never liked this attitude I’m sure. Everything else though I was good at. Reliable, responsible and efficient. Yet the Monday prior to Thanksgiving I found myself out of a job and for the first time in my life homeless, with a few thousand dollars of debt just weighing on my shoulders. I will always be able to carry the weight of the world, because the weight of debt is so much more suffocating. The world is a beautiful place, one I don’t want to see end. The only beauty in debt is that there is an end. 

Finally in spring of this year I was prevailed upon to be a coach, yet I still had no idea the ramifications of this decision. I signed as an independent Beachbody coach and I fell in love. It’s been a few months now and I have found myself in a community full of supportive and loving people. People who want me to succeed. People who don’t know me, but know I can do it. I’m apart of a company that is setting forth to end obesity, help the masses to stop being a burden on the healthcare system. It is truly the most amazing company I have ever seen, altruistic even. It is a beautiful thing, a beautiful day, when one stranger reaches out to another stranger and means it when they say, I’m here for you. 

The thing is since then, I’ve realized a whole new world. One I was scared to enter because I was too fat… that feeling plagued me in the gym, but you know what? We all have to start some where. My journey begin a few years ago and I’m still a tad bit overweight, however now I know what I’m working towards… Love. Love for myself. Love for a long life. Love for a life with others. I want to see my nephews and nieces grow up. 

Beachbody has opened doors to pole fitness and to Powder Blue Productions, from certifications I want to teach, to competitions I want to win and to ways I can make a “visible” difference. 

 

Over and out for the night. 😉

<3, peace and hold the chicken grease! 



{July 26, 2012}   I have, gasp, options?

It has been a long time my friends and by all accounts, I really should be asleep. Then I realized I need to document this, the beginning of something bigger, something better. My whole life has been spent waiting and my ego is to blame, and for once, to thank. 

I heard about P90x about two or three years ago now and I was terrified. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing about this at home work out program. I thought about it for months, finally one day, I looked into. Then I dumped toxic boyfriend and ordered the program. I waited for it. I completed my first work out and stuck it on the shelf to dust. Admittedly to date I have only completed the first sixty days and after that I wussed out. Truthfully P90x and I are only slightly compatible, however I still do a few of the work outs for fun here and there. I’d be lying if I said that the program wasn’t awesome, achievable or worth doing. I was intrigued by P90x because it sounded/ is so tough. That is my ego talking, I had something to prove. (Side note: My ego is not approving of the fact that I haven’t completed the X… as much as I hate push ups, I may have to suck it up for my ego.) In those two months, I did lose 8 percent of my body fat and that was without close attention to nutrition! Imagine if I had paid attention to it!!! 

Later on I was asked if I was interested in being a coach. And that is where our story begins. To do it justice I shall continue tomorrow. 



et cetera